End of the day rant.

   So, today sucked. I am just really bummed out and depressed and just wanted to lay in bed and cry but I didn't get to do that. I had to go drop a placenta off to a client (I do placenta encapsulation) and she had a house full of people. I just wanted to hide my face but she wanted to invite me in to see the baby and meet everyone. It was really nice of her but did she not see my strawberry face and that I needed to be hidden from public! On my way home I remembered I need to go to Walmart to pick up my meds. Shit, there is no way to walk into a Walmart anywhere in the country and not see someone you know. I could go to one in Alaska and see someone I know. It's ridiculous. Of course when I get there its not ready so I have to sit and wait. I try to sink and disappear but it doesn't happen. For some reason the other people there wanted to engage me in conversation. People! Again, can you not see my strawberry face and the slouching and wanting to disappear! LEAVE ME ALONE. So I finally get home and my mother, aunt, gmaw and niece show up..... Can I PLEASE just go bury my head under a pillow and hide people! Apparently not. So by this point I am upset, stressed, and at my breaking point when my mother wants computer lessons and my niece wants to watch a movie that I can't find. And then because I am snapping I am the mean, bitchy person. Also for all of the people that asked me today (and there were more than a few) If your face looked like this do you THINK it would hurt?! YES! Yes, if fucking hurts. It BURNS! Just a slight change in temperature BURNS and I am living in the swamp where it is 70 or below in a building and about 100 outside with 100% humidity. You LOOKING at...that hurts. Yes I have been to a doctor, no it is not contagious, yes I think I should put something on it. Thank god you were here for those suggestions because I would have never thought of that. Oh and the "If you think your face hurts, well it's killing me jokes" are old. Try something new. Goodnight.

P.S. My forehead, that never, ever gets bumps is covered in them. I wish you could see how bad in the picture but oh well

Day 15, this is really bad

   So I knew it would get worse, I never thought it would get this bad. My face possible looks the worst it ever has, EVER. I don't know if it was the nu-stock or a big die off of mites or what but it is super bad. My face looks like a strawberry, it's slightly swollen, it hurts and I woke up to about 100 tiny pustules, to many to count. I was in shock when I looked in the mirror this morning. I mean I guess it's a good thing that I managed to kill off that many mites but damn, I am not leaving my house unless I HAVE to. I usually on show the close ups but today I am going to show close ups and my full face so you can get the full effect. That's all I can say right now. I am going to go cry now. Warning you may not want to look at these pictures.

*Update to original. Please do a test patch to see how you react to Nu-Stock before using it, I do end up having an unpleasant response to it (as you can see here) and I'm not sure if it was an allergic reaction or if my skin is just really sensitive. I would recommend putting a tiny bit either on your forearm or under your jawline first and waiting at least 2 days to see how you react before putting it on your entire face.**

Day 15

It's amazing how a 5 year old can bum you out.

   So my face was pretty red today, I woke up flushed and it stayed pretty persistent all day. I'm not sure if it was the nu-stock or if it's that 2-3 week  backslide you are suppose to go through or what but it sucks. My face just kept popping up with more pustules during the day, which is awesome since I had a job interview today. My makeup just made the red look purple. Lucky me! Then my niece is spending the night and she looks at me after her bath and says "Nanny, why is your face always so red and have pimples?" She's 5 so she is still learning what is okay to ask and not. My mom told her that isn't nice to ask that, and her innocence she was just like "well no one else has a red face or that many pimples, I was just asking." Yeah.

   So that has put me in such a great state of mind. My family likes to tell me you can't tell and it's not that red or noticeable. Then you bring a honest 5 year old around and get the truth. Anyways, tonight I was going to do the nu-stock again but with argan oil since it absorbs quicker and I like it but when I mixed it up and put it on it started to burn so I washed my face right away. So now my face is even a little more red, yippee, so I just put on some argan and tto and now I am off to bed. Night

Another confession. Sorry this is a gross one.

   So I have already posted pictures of my face in all out war with my skin, with no makeup, and close up, so you have already seen me ways I would never ever let someone in real life see me so I might as well admit to it all. It's safe to be open and honest behind a keyboard. I am a picker. I pick at my face constantly. I don't know why, and I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. I most of the time I don't even consciously do it. When I realize I do it I stop....most of the time. My mom even today at the age of 33 will tell me to stop or smack my hand. LOL.

   I know that picking at it delays the healing of even causes scarring and me touching my face just introduces more bacteria to my face but I can't help it! I can't seem to stop. I was the little kid who always picked scabs. I have always hated the rough texture or the dry flaky texture. I know I do it a lot more when I am stressed and I tend to do it when I am zoning out watching T.V. or something but I just don't know how to stop.

   With my rosacea being mostly p&p my face tends to be really scabby feeling and dry. It doesn't LOOK scabby but it feels it and the more I pick, the more scabby it becomes. It's an endless cycle. If I could just leave my face alone and not freaking touch it I am sure it would heal ten times faster but I can't seem to do that. It's like a compulsion. So there you have it, I have never admitted it (but I am sure most people notice because I can't keep my hand off my face) I am a picker. Sorry that is really gross.


P.S. I am still drinking coke.....going to hang my head and shame and try not to pick. Night everyone.