Me blabbering about ....

      So I started to write this as a response to someone who has read my blog and thanked me and told me they were to shy to put up pictures. I have actually had a lot of people thanking me for the pictures and well, your welcome. When I was starting out I use to try to look at every picture I could find and try to compare my face to theirs, is mine worse, is their's worse, is their treatment working things like that. The frustrating part is we are all so ashamed of our faces none of us post pictures! I didn't find a whole lot of pictures besides the ones that doctors had taken or grainy pictures people took of their face in a current state asking for advice but not a whole lot. So when I decided to keep a journal taking those pictures wasn't easy...at all. At first I was just going to do it so I can see my progress and then I decided to post them so maybe I can help others. So once I decided I was going to post pictures on here, I wasn't going to show my whole face in case someone might know me or because I was embarrassed that's why my first pictures only show the bottom half of my face. Then I just said forget it, you know what it is what it is, maybe if the people in my life see what my face REALLY looks like they will understand it a little better. So that is where I am at today. This is my face, it's the only one I have, so deal with it and if my pictures help someone else great, I'm not going to lie it was and is really hard to put a picture of myself barefaced into the world but it's to late now! Sometimes it's just nice to see another face like yours and know that you are not the only person dealing with this. Well with that being said no one in my personal life knows about my blog... at all. To me pictures are everything, I get hope from visualization so when I was having a bad day I could look back and be like, well it could be worse.

           The hardest part of having rosacea for me is trying to explain rosacea to people that don't have it. They just don't get it! First they don't understand that it is physically painful, they just think you have pink rosy cheeks, it HURTS. Your face feels swollen and tight and it throbs and it feels like it has been in a meat grinder and it's hot, it's just miserable. I would put cold wet wash clothes on my face and it would feel soooo good. Also they don't get that it's your FACE. It's the first thing people see when they great you and meet you, it's the first impression you give, you can't hide it. You can try to hide it with makeup but you know that heavy makeup is just going to leave you in physical pain later because it's so harsh. It's just as much as an emotional/mental disease as it is physical and other people don't get it. The only people that will get it is others who are going through the same things. When I would get upset and not want to leave my house or cancel plans with friends I would get unsympathetic response of "It's just your face...get over it" I got tired of hearing that. It's easy for others to say because their insecurities can be hidden, their flaws are not on display. So that is where the blog name came from. Every single day, EVERY day, at least one (usually more) person would tell me I look flush or like I got sun or how rosy my cheeks are or ask if I was feeling ok or if I had a fever. I was so sick of it I wanted to just wear a shirt that said "yes my face is red, thanks for pointing it out I would have never known". If someone is really fat people don't point it out, if they are going bald they don't point it out but people have no problem pointing out your face. It is just plain rude.

      So basically that whole rant was to say this. Thank you for reading my blog, thank you for the support and encouragement and all the kind words. I hope if you find this and feel like you are all alone and don't plan on leaving your house ever again you can realize you are not! There are other people out their suffering and hurting physically and emotionally and it can get better! Sorry about typos and shit not making sense, I never re-read before posting (I should) or spell check. I basically have used this as a journal and just let things spill out as they come. Probably explains why things are so all over the place. So yeah, that's it for tonight! I think I will post again tomorrow.

Day 18. Make it stop

   Working all night gave me the pleasure of feeling them at their most active time instead of sleeping through it. Let me tell you, I am surprised I still have a face I wanted to scratch it off so bad. I am trying really hard not to scratch so I kind of pat instead which turned into smacking. So basically all night I was beating the shit out of myself. I sure hope this couple doesn't have a nanny cam or they are going to think I am insane. I could feel them on my face, and on my head the worst but they are now moving down to my chest and back. I would take pictures of my chest to show you the pustules popping up there but I am trying to keep this PG 13 except for language.

   Have you ever seen that show 1,000 ways to die? If not the premise of the show is reenactments of stupid shit people did that killed them. Snorted ants, tapeworm diet, college age guys participating in stupid bets or pranks, you get the drift. Well I have a feeling I am going to end up on this show when I die trying to figure out a way to rid my body of these damn mites. They are driving me INSANE. So because they are driving me insane I have resorted to putting animal mange medicine on my face, bathing in laundry detergent and now I am about to start drinking laundry detergent because the topical shit isn't cutting it, and if I really have to I will be going for the horse dewormer next. And this my friends, is how I am going to end up on that stupid show 1,000 ways to die.

   Okay I'm tired, on to the pictures and off to bed. Sorry if they are not THAT accurate I just got out the shower so I'm a little more flushed than normal. OH I almost forgot, just a FYI if you are treating your lashes with tto and you accidentally use the 50/50 bottle instead of the 1:8 bottle and your eyelids feel like they are frying first, DON'T PUT WATER ON THEM, it only makes it worse, but do coat them in coconut oil and it makes them stop burning immediately. Not that this has happened to me or anything, just something I heard somewhere.

Day 18

Day 16 I feel like my face is f*cking with me

   Seriously, I feel like it is playing with my emotions. Like it does well and then BAM bad day just to fuck with me and then goes back to doing well. So, ready for my theory? I did the nu-stock with the coconut oil on Thursday night and was fine, I think that did a MASSIVE extermination. Friday I was fine because my body wasn't reacting to the dead mites yet, I tried to mix the nu-stock with the argan oil but the argan oil isn't a strong enough oil to counteract how strong the nu-stock is and that is why it started to burn and I took it off. Also the argan absorbs quicker and better than coconut oil so I think it drew it deeper into my skin and more of it than the coconut oil. Just glad I took it off. But yesterday all of the mites started to breakdown and that is what our body reacts to so that is why my face looked like hell. It was reacting to the overload of hundreds of dead mites.

   So last night I diluted the nu-stock even further with coconut oil and applied it to my entire face and below and behind my ears because I had been itchy there too lately, like they are making a run for it. I figured my face was already beet red and broke out, why stop now, just push through it.

   Today I woke up and I didn't have a single pustule. Not one. My face is still redish but not like yesterday and my forehead is COVERED in bumps (well now my whole face is) but no pustule. Now let me explain what I define as pustule, a pustule to me is a raised lesion with a white head on it that looks like it needs so be popped, there are shallower than pimples and usually go away once they have been popped. They usually show up and leave withing 24 hours. It's like it's a toxin that is expelled through my skin and when it's expelled it's gone, unlike a pimple which is a clogged pore that likes to get big and hang around.

   So my forehead has hundreds of these tiny bumps all over it and I can't decide if they are dead mites or an allergic reaction to the nu-stock. I am going to do a test patch on my forearm to see how my sink reacts to the mixture I used last night. I have to say my face does itch like crazy. But if the nu-stock can kill off that many mites at once, I will keep using it at least once a week to knock these suckers out. Also I am going to do a borax bath later to treat the rest of my body. Okay I have a lot of pictures today, full face, close ups and a comparison with yesterday so you can see how insane my skin is. The forehead ones you can't really see how many bumps there are. Right now the texture of my skin is fucked.  P.S. Sorry for the serial killer eyes.

Day 16

   

End of the day rant.

   So, today sucked. I am just really bummed out and depressed and just wanted to lay in bed and cry but I didn't get to do that. I had to go drop a placenta off to a client (I do placenta encapsulation) and she had a house full of people. I just wanted to hide my face but she wanted to invite me in to see the baby and meet everyone. It was really nice of her but did she not see my strawberry face and that I needed to be hidden from public! On my way home I remembered I need to go to Walmart to pick up my meds. Shit, there is no way to walk into a Walmart anywhere in the country and not see someone you know. I could go to one in Alaska and see someone I know. It's ridiculous. Of course when I get there its not ready so I have to sit and wait. I try to sink and disappear but it doesn't happen. For some reason the other people there wanted to engage me in conversation. People! Again, can you not see my strawberry face and the slouching and wanting to disappear! LEAVE ME ALONE. So I finally get home and my mother, aunt, gmaw and niece show up..... Can I PLEASE just go bury my head under a pillow and hide people! Apparently not. So by this point I am upset, stressed, and at my breaking point when my mother wants computer lessons and my niece wants to watch a movie that I can't find. And then because I am snapping I am the mean, bitchy person. Also for all of the people that asked me today (and there were more than a few) If your face looked like this do you THINK it would hurt?! YES! Yes, if fucking hurts. It BURNS! Just a slight change in temperature BURNS and I am living in the swamp where it is 70 or below in a building and about 100 outside with 100% humidity. You LOOKING at...that hurts. Yes I have been to a doctor, no it is not contagious, yes I think I should put something on it. Thank god you were here for those suggestions because I would have never thought of that. Oh and the "If you think your face hurts, well it's killing me jokes" are old. Try something new. Goodnight.

P.S. My forehead, that never, ever gets bumps is covered in them. I wish you could see how bad in the picture but oh well

Day 15, this is really bad

   So I knew it would get worse, I never thought it would get this bad. My face possible looks the worst it ever has, EVER. I don't know if it was the nu-stock or a big die off of mites or what but it is super bad. My face looks like a strawberry, it's slightly swollen, it hurts and I woke up to about 100 tiny pustules, to many to count. I was in shock when I looked in the mirror this morning. I mean I guess it's a good thing that I managed to kill off that many mites but damn, I am not leaving my house unless I HAVE to. I usually on show the close ups but today I am going to show close ups and my full face so you can get the full effect. That's all I can say right now. I am going to go cry now. Warning you may not want to look at these pictures.

*Update to original. Please do a test patch to see how you react to Nu-Stock before using it, I do end up having an unpleasant response to it (as you can see here) and I'm not sure if it was an allergic reaction or if my skin is just really sensitive. I would recommend putting a tiny bit either on your forearm or under your jawline first and waiting at least 2 days to see how you react before putting it on your entire face.**

Day 15

It's amazing how a 5 year old can bum you out.

   So my face was pretty red today, I woke up flushed and it stayed pretty persistent all day. I'm not sure if it was the nu-stock or if it's that 2-3 week  backslide you are suppose to go through or what but it sucks. My face just kept popping up with more pustules during the day, which is awesome since I had a job interview today. My makeup just made the red look purple. Lucky me! Then my niece is spending the night and she looks at me after her bath and says "Nanny, why is your face always so red and have pimples?" She's 5 so she is still learning what is okay to ask and not. My mom told her that isn't nice to ask that, and her innocence she was just like "well no one else has a red face or that many pimples, I was just asking." Yeah.

   So that has put me in such a great state of mind. My family likes to tell me you can't tell and it's not that red or noticeable. Then you bring a honest 5 year old around and get the truth. Anyways, tonight I was going to do the nu-stock again but with argan oil since it absorbs quicker and I like it but when I mixed it up and put it on it started to burn so I washed my face right away. So now my face is even a little more red, yippee, so I just put on some argan and tto and now I am off to bed. Night

Nu-stock update

   Okay, so I woke up to my face feeling flushed. Not sure what that is about, but it is warm to the touch and it is flushed in areas I don't usually flush. Alright let me back up to last night. So last night I tried the nu-stock for the first time, scroll back a post and read my first thoughts on texture, smell etc.. So after I put it on I could tell it was working because I could feel the little buggers trying to make a run for it. My face kept itching, but not in a I think I am breaking out in hives way, like the mites are dying way. Also I think this stuff gets into your bloodstream cause it was like I could taste is a little in the back of my throat. The itching did drive me a bit nuts and made it hard to sleep and actually I am a bit itchy right now.

   So when I woke up this morning I had about 20 tiny little pustules, and one bigger one. I think the bigger ones are maybe like little nest of them. You can't even see where the ones I had yesterday were, they come and go so quick. So that is a good and bad thing, it feels like a setback, but I think it's just the new ones hatching and being killed off, and it is following that timeline pretty well so I am just going to go with it and call it progress. Its still mentally and emotionally hard to look in the mirror and see your face covered in tiny little bumps and flushing and think of it as progress when 2 days ago you were just slightly pink and had one bump. I am trying really hard to not let it get me down.

   So on the nu-stock bottle is says apply every 3 days, so I think I will use it every 3 days and use the tto in between. I don't want to over do it with the nu-stock. Okay picture time.

**Update to original post. Please do a test patch to see how you react to Nu-Stock before using it, I do end up having an unpleasant response to it and I'm not sure if it was an allergic reaction or if my skin is just really sensitive. I would recommend putting a tiny bit either on your forearm or under your jawline first and waiting at least 2 days to see how you react before putting it on your entire face.**

Day 14

Day 13...I knew this would happen.

   So I didn't come to the demodex conclusion or treatment out of the blue, I did a lot of read and a lot of research most of it here on a rosacea forum. While reading and researching I pretty much self diagnosed demodex mites as being my main culprit. I had all of the signs, the pustules, the redness, the itching, acne medicine not working a lot of different things. So when I figured out that was my problem next was to see what treatment options I had and see how they worked for different people. Some people had used borax, some had used sulfur, some had used a cream you order from over seas called ZZ cream or Zhongzhou Zinc Oxide and last some had used tea tree oil.

   While trying to chose which treatment to follow I read a couple of threads that people wrote chronicling their treatments and their ups and downs, (like I am doing here but without many pictures) to help decided which treatment I would follow. On one of the threads someone posted this from I believe the ZZ cream website called demodex solutions which tells you what you can expect week to week with treatment which I will put at the end of this post. Actually they have a lot of good info on their site so check it out here.

   So the reason I went with tea tree oil is simple really. First, I already had some, second I didn't have to order it from overseas and it kinda creeped me out that they won't tell you ALL the ingredients in the ZZ cream, they say ancient Chinese secret or some crap like that. (but the ZZ cream has good reviews!) I didn't want to do the borax because it just seemed so harsh, like using ajax on my face or something. And I did order the sulfur in the form of nu-stock. It is really hard to find a product that has a high enough sulfur content that it would actually be beneficial. My nu-stock comes today but I didn't want to wait that long to get it to start treatment so I went ahead with the tea tree oil and here we are today. I might bust out the nu-stock for the next two weeks....maybe.

  So with that being said, I KNEW that there would be setbacks, I knew I would break out again, I knew it was coming. That doesn't mean I have to like it! Yesterday my skin almost looked pretty! Almost. It was the best it had looked since I got back from California. And then I woke up today. Now don't get me wrong, it still looks way better, but it's a step back from yesterday. I am trying to think if I ate something, or was around something that might have triggered it but I can't think of anything. I really need to start keeping a food/face journal. But even so usually if I eat something my face doesn't agree with, it lets me know right away.

  Anyways, today I woke up and it really isn't bad, just not as good as yesterday so it made me blah. But my face was a little more red, and I had two BIG pustules and I have a big pimple under my lip on the right and another on the left half way between my lip and chin that are just being persistent for some reason. (that is one of the ways I can tell the difference in pustule and pimple, pimple is deeper under the skin and stays around a lot longer). I am not calling it a set back, but my face would react like this on a day where I have to go meet a bunch of new people. BTW I just had sushi and I don't think my face likes soy sauce, I can feel the flush coming! At least I don't eat it often. Okay so here is the week by week that I saw posted for the ZZ cream that I am guessing will apply to my face also and after that I will post today's pictures.

Week 1:

Itching begins to subside and your skin becomes calmer. In addition, preexisting pimples and bumps begin to shrink and dry.

Week 2-3:During this period, you’ll experience the most severe breakout of the entire treatment. Your skin will become more dry and clusters of bumps similar to a mosquito bite might surface in affected areas. Don’t become alarmed or disgruntled during this difficult time. If you experience a breakout, it’s due to the dead demodex mites under your skin. As their bodies decay, the demodex produces bacteria inside the follicles of your skin. Once the bacteria is gone, the bumps will disappear and healthy skin will be revealed.

Week 4:Noticeable improvements to your skin will become apparent.

Week 5-7:You’ll experience a series of light rashes and breakouts during this period. It won’t be nearly as bad as the initial “die-off” stage during weeks 2 and 3, but it might seem like a setback (it’s not). These breakouts are caused by the decaying demodex mites that recently hatched from the eggs of the demodex parents killed weeks prior. After this group of offspring are eliminated, you’ll begin enjoying clear and healthy skin.

Week 8:A treatment of 90 days is recommended for total elimination of the demodex mites, but after 60 days, you’ll begin reaping the rewards of your treatment. You’ll start receiving compliments from family and friends on account of your bright and healthy new skin. This is when you know you’re rounding the final stretch.

Week 9-12:Even though your skin looks and feels completely cured, continue the treatment for 12 weeks.

Week 13 & Beyond:Although a 90 day course is recommended, it’s important to complete maintenance by applying the demodex treatment 2 times per month. This ensures no new overgrowth of demodex mites and it keeps your skin in optimal condition so you can continue enjoying bright and healthy skin.

So I must confess I have an addiction....

   So when I was on the oracea I could eat and drink anything basically and not have an issue, this has now changed. I have an addiction to coke, not the white powdery stuff but the liquid sugar kind that comes in a red can. I KNOW its bad for me in so many ways but I love it. LOVE IT. I have tried to cut back to a can a day and most days I follow that but I have been breaking that rule a lot lately. If I don't drink a can I can get a headache and I become a bit of a bitch. It's an addiction.

   I know that certain foods or drink can cause flushing but I have been in denial of this well known fact wanting to believe that it didn't apply to me. Well it does, and I am now coming to terms with that and starting to acknowledge this fact. It sucks, but for the last few days I have been noticing my face flushing when I drink a coke and the other day when I ate a slice of pizza. I didn't want to believe it (deny, deny, deny) but my face wasn't hurting at all today when I woke up then I popped open a coke had a swig and almost immediately my face started to get hot, burn and itch. There is no denying it, I have to give up the coke.

   I have been wanting to eat better and live healthier for other reason like to lose weight (the double chin in my pictures is also helping me with my denial of being overweight) and just to be healthier in general. My father died at 46 and I don't want that to be me. So it looks like my rosacea will help me get into gear with that and make sure I will stay on track. I am going to start keeping a log of what I eat and what makes me flush. I know I should have been doing this but again, I like to live in denial.

    I have been told buy countless people that I should try gluten free, that it will help with my rosacea and my PCOS but I am not sure I want to jump on that bandwagon yet. I'm stubborn, I'm a Taurus, I have to try every other way I think might help before I take the path I am told will help but I don't want to follow. So for now I will be cutting out beef, poultry and pork, I did this for a while and I felt better, looked better, and lost weight without even trying. Plus it is easier to follow I don't have to read a bunch of labels and ask a billion questions at restaurants, either something has meat in it or doesn't. If this doesn't work I guess I will give in and go gluten free. GRRR. I have one coke left, I know I shouldn't drink it but I know I will. I will savor every last drop slowly and enjoy my last coke. 

Just a quick post

   I just wanted to do a quick post on how my face did today since it can change so much from the beginning of the day. I did the mild argan/tto mix this morning, and coconut oil twice and I just washed my face with the Dr.Bronner's tea tree soap and put on the 1:1 argan/tto mix. My face today only flushed once and it didn't last long, I didn't get any new p&p and it looked about the same all day. So no changes all day which is a good thing! Sometimes I can wake up looking good and it look like shit by the end of the day. I also want to mention I have not put any makeup on since my face has been bad, I don't want to give it any reason to get pissed. Oh but I have noticed some small, under the skin bumps on my forehead (mites making a run for it?) but you can only see them up close. So goodnight! Will update in the morning. 

Random thoughts and a slight rant.

   So the reason I named this blog "it's just your face" isn't because I feel that your face is not important (if that was the case I wouldn't bother with a blog about mine) but because that is what I kept being told. "whats the big deal, it's just your face" Just your face? Are you kidding me!! Other than your general health, when it comes to your body, what is more important than your face? Your face is YOU. No one else has your face, other people have arms, legs, boobs, no one else has your face, it's yours alone. It's how people identify you, and how people judge you, it's the first thing people see, it's how people remember you, you can't hide it, it's right there front and center for people to stare at, judge and criticize. When something is wrong with your face people assume something is wrong with you.

   People in general tend to not think before they talk but when it comes to commenting on your face either, people tend to be more blunt. I have walked into work and people say things such as "Ohhh what happened to your face?" "Are you feeling okay? Because you are not looking okay" "Wow! You got some sun over the weekend" (I never left my house -_-)

   Today was hard day, I had to explain to a friend why I didn't go to her gallery show last night making me a lame friend. I didn't go to clinicals today because I didn't want to be seen out like this, and when my mom came home I was in tears. When she asked what was wrong I just looked at her and said "really!?" She knew. He response was "You know it probably doesn't look as bad to other people as it does to you, most people probably won't even notice. I think your making a bigger deal out of it than it really is." I asked her how would she feel if she woke up tomorrow and looked in the mirror and saw her face like this. She just got up and left. Yep, that's what I thought. It's so easy for other people to dismiss it, or be like "it's no big deal" and that is only because it's not their face. Let their face suddenly become flaming red and burn like the dickens or break out in dozens of painful pustules and let's see how long it's no big deal.

    I also don't think people understand the PHYSICAL pain and discomfort someone with rosacea deals with, I think they just think it's a red or pimpley face and that's it. They don't understand that your face feels like its on fire, the don't understand the throbbing feeling, that it feels swollen or tight and that even just splashing it with water to try to rinse it can hurt because it is so sensitive to outside stimulus. There is nothing worse than your facing feeling hot like it's on fire but you can't sit in front of a fan to cool it off because the breeze of the fan hurts your delicate skin. Rosacea is so much more than meets the eye. *Sigh*

   Well, I will end this on a funny lesson that may or may not come from personal experience. So if you happen to be walking through lets say a Whole Foods and a sales associate comes up to you and asks you if you need help the proper response might not be "Sure! See I found out that the reason my face is looking like this is I have face mites and I hear tea tree oil kills them so I am looking for everything tea tree oil!" See if you have the need to explain your condition DON'T. They might just look at you with horror, then disgust and take a few steps away from you. Or so I have heard....from a friend....who also has face mites. 

What I looked like until June 5th

   So just in case anyone was wondering what my skin looked like prior to this here is a few pictures taken on May 23, 2013. We were outside swimming so I obviously have no makeup on just sunscreen. I had previously had p&p with some redness but it has been over a year and never as bad as now. May of 2012 I had 3 laser treatments to zap spider veins in my cheeks and I had been on oracea for over a year. Like I said my skin wasn't perfect but I could live with it, now.....well look at my pictures from this morning. I still wonder if me coming back to New Orleans or something in my house isn't a contributing factor. I had run out of Oracea for over a week in California and my skin still looked good but the day after I came home, it went to shit. Anyways, just thought I would share what my skin was like previously. 

                                                    My boyfriend, I miss him so much!

I am a woman who has become obsessed.

     So right now I am not working, I just got back from a month long trip to California and I haven't picked up any clients since I have been back. This has resulted in two things, me being broke and stressed, and me being obsessed with my face and how horrible it looks. I was just looking at pictures of me from two weeks ago with no makeup swimming and my skin was beautiful. Not perfect but as close to perfect as it gets for me. Depressing.

   So since I am currently not working and I refuse to leave my house unless it is related to school I have had a lot of spare time on my hands. What have I been doing with that spare time you ask? Obsessing over my face and how to cure it. For some reason in my head if I fix my face I will all of a sudden have a better life. I will have tons of friends and I will do things and I will go places and everything will be great. I know this is not true. All that will happen is I will sit at home and have a normal face. So now I just spend HOURS researching and looking for cures or fixes for rosacea that do not include me going to the doctor since I don't have insurance. I am pretty sure by the end of the week I will be an expert on all things rosacea, demodex mites and sub derm. I don't know why I am researching sub derm since I don't have it, but you never know, my skin is fickle like that.

   My face has had a few flashes on and off today, none lasting more than 30 minutes or so but man those 30 minutes seem to last FOREVER. Another thing I was thinking about is I ran out of oracea when I was still in California and my face remained fine, but the day after I returned back to New Orleans BAM! it was bad. I am wondering if it was coincidence and the oracea took a while to work it's way out of my system or if there is something in my house that is setting my face off or if it is the weather and humidity down here. Hmmm. Going to have to ponder that a while....or research it.

   One last thing, I ordered some nu-stock sulfur cream today, it should be in next week. I am not sure when I will try it or how often, I will have to go research that too.

I should have kept my mouth shut

I should have never said anything about my face not burning because all of a sudden its on FIRE. I haven't ate, drank anything or done anything. I don't know what has set it off but it BURNS. I might go dunk my head in cold water.