Day 18. Make it stop

   Working all night gave me the pleasure of feeling them at their most active time instead of sleeping through it. Let me tell you, I am surprised I still have a face I wanted to scratch it off so bad. I am trying really hard not to scratch so I kind of pat instead which turned into smacking. So basically all night I was beating the shit out of myself. I sure hope this couple doesn't have a nanny cam or they are going to think I am insane. I could feel them on my face, and on my head the worst but they are now moving down to my chest and back. I would take pictures of my chest to show you the pustules popping up there but I am trying to keep this PG 13 except for language.

   Have you ever seen that show 1,000 ways to die? If not the premise of the show is reenactments of stupid shit people did that killed them. Snorted ants, tapeworm diet, college age guys participating in stupid bets or pranks, you get the drift. Well I have a feeling I am going to end up on this show when I die trying to figure out a way to rid my body of these damn mites. They are driving me INSANE. So because they are driving me insane I have resorted to putting animal mange medicine on my face, bathing in laundry detergent and now I am about to start drinking laundry detergent because the topical shit isn't cutting it, and if I really have to I will be going for the horse dewormer next. And this my friends, is how I am going to end up on that stupid show 1,000 ways to die.

   Okay I'm tired, on to the pictures and off to bed. Sorry if they are not THAT accurate I just got out the shower so I'm a little more flushed than normal. OH I almost forgot, just a FYI if you are treating your lashes with tto and you accidentally use the 50/50 bottle instead of the 1:8 bottle and your eyelids feel like they are frying first, DON'T PUT WATER ON THEM, it only makes it worse, but do coat them in coconut oil and it makes them stop burning immediately. Not that this has happened to me or anything, just something I heard somewhere.

Day 18

End of the day rant.

   So, today sucked. I am just really bummed out and depressed and just wanted to lay in bed and cry but I didn't get to do that. I had to go drop a placenta off to a client (I do placenta encapsulation) and she had a house full of people. I just wanted to hide my face but she wanted to invite me in to see the baby and meet everyone. It was really nice of her but did she not see my strawberry face and that I needed to be hidden from public! On my way home I remembered I need to go to Walmart to pick up my meds. Shit, there is no way to walk into a Walmart anywhere in the country and not see someone you know. I could go to one in Alaska and see someone I know. It's ridiculous. Of course when I get there its not ready so I have to sit and wait. I try to sink and disappear but it doesn't happen. For some reason the other people there wanted to engage me in conversation. People! Again, can you not see my strawberry face and the slouching and wanting to disappear! LEAVE ME ALONE. So I finally get home and my mother, aunt, gmaw and niece show up..... Can I PLEASE just go bury my head under a pillow and hide people! Apparently not. So by this point I am upset, stressed, and at my breaking point when my mother wants computer lessons and my niece wants to watch a movie that I can't find. And then because I am snapping I am the mean, bitchy person. Also for all of the people that asked me today (and there were more than a few) If your face looked like this do you THINK it would hurt?! YES! Yes, if fucking hurts. It BURNS! Just a slight change in temperature BURNS and I am living in the swamp where it is 70 or below in a building and about 100 outside with 100% humidity. You LOOKING at...that hurts. Yes I have been to a doctor, no it is not contagious, yes I think I should put something on it. Thank god you were here for those suggestions because I would have never thought of that. Oh and the "If you think your face hurts, well it's killing me jokes" are old. Try something new. Goodnight.

P.S. My forehead, that never, ever gets bumps is covered in them. I wish you could see how bad in the picture but oh well

Day 15, this is really bad

   So I knew it would get worse, I never thought it would get this bad. My face possible looks the worst it ever has, EVER. I don't know if it was the nu-stock or a big die off of mites or what but it is super bad. My face looks like a strawberry, it's slightly swollen, it hurts and I woke up to about 100 tiny pustules, to many to count. I was in shock when I looked in the mirror this morning. I mean I guess it's a good thing that I managed to kill off that many mites but damn, I am not leaving my house unless I HAVE to. I usually on show the close ups but today I am going to show close ups and my full face so you can get the full effect. That's all I can say right now. I am going to go cry now. Warning you may not want to look at these pictures.

*Update to original. Please do a test patch to see how you react to Nu-Stock before using it, I do end up having an unpleasant response to it (as you can see here) and I'm not sure if it was an allergic reaction or if my skin is just really sensitive. I would recommend putting a tiny bit either on your forearm or under your jawline first and waiting at least 2 days to see how you react before putting it on your entire face.**

Day 15

It's amazing how a 5 year old can bum you out.

   So my face was pretty red today, I woke up flushed and it stayed pretty persistent all day. I'm not sure if it was the nu-stock or if it's that 2-3 week  backslide you are suppose to go through or what but it sucks. My face just kept popping up with more pustules during the day, which is awesome since I had a job interview today. My makeup just made the red look purple. Lucky me! Then my niece is spending the night and she looks at me after her bath and says "Nanny, why is your face always so red and have pimples?" She's 5 so she is still learning what is okay to ask and not. My mom told her that isn't nice to ask that, and her innocence she was just like "well no one else has a red face or that many pimples, I was just asking." Yeah.

   So that has put me in such a great state of mind. My family likes to tell me you can't tell and it's not that red or noticeable. Then you bring a honest 5 year old around and get the truth. Anyways, tonight I was going to do the nu-stock again but with argan oil since it absorbs quicker and I like it but when I mixed it up and put it on it started to burn so I washed my face right away. So now my face is even a little more red, yippee, so I just put on some argan and tto and now I am off to bed. Night

So I must confess I have an addiction....

   So when I was on the oracea I could eat and drink anything basically and not have an issue, this has now changed. I have an addiction to coke, not the white powdery stuff but the liquid sugar kind that comes in a red can. I KNOW its bad for me in so many ways but I love it. LOVE IT. I have tried to cut back to a can a day and most days I follow that but I have been breaking that rule a lot lately. If I don't drink a can I can get a headache and I become a bit of a bitch. It's an addiction.

   I know that certain foods or drink can cause flushing but I have been in denial of this well known fact wanting to believe that it didn't apply to me. Well it does, and I am now coming to terms with that and starting to acknowledge this fact. It sucks, but for the last few days I have been noticing my face flushing when I drink a coke and the other day when I ate a slice of pizza. I didn't want to believe it (deny, deny, deny) but my face wasn't hurting at all today when I woke up then I popped open a coke had a swig and almost immediately my face started to get hot, burn and itch. There is no denying it, I have to give up the coke.

   I have been wanting to eat better and live healthier for other reason like to lose weight (the double chin in my pictures is also helping me with my denial of being overweight) and just to be healthier in general. My father died at 46 and I don't want that to be me. So it looks like my rosacea will help me get into gear with that and make sure I will stay on track. I am going to start keeping a log of what I eat and what makes me flush. I know I should have been doing this but again, I like to live in denial.

    I have been told buy countless people that I should try gluten free, that it will help with my rosacea and my PCOS but I am not sure I want to jump on that bandwagon yet. I'm stubborn, I'm a Taurus, I have to try every other way I think might help before I take the path I am told will help but I don't want to follow. So for now I will be cutting out beef, poultry and pork, I did this for a while and I felt better, looked better, and lost weight without even trying. Plus it is easier to follow I don't have to read a bunch of labels and ask a billion questions at restaurants, either something has meat in it or doesn't. If this doesn't work I guess I will give in and go gluten free. GRRR. I have one coke left, I know I shouldn't drink it but I know I will. I will savor every last drop slowly and enjoy my last coke. 

Random thoughts and a slight rant.

   So the reason I named this blog "it's just your face" isn't because I feel that your face is not important (if that was the case I wouldn't bother with a blog about mine) but because that is what I kept being told. "whats the big deal, it's just your face" Just your face? Are you kidding me!! Other than your general health, when it comes to your body, what is more important than your face? Your face is YOU. No one else has your face, other people have arms, legs, boobs, no one else has your face, it's yours alone. It's how people identify you, and how people judge you, it's the first thing people see, it's how people remember you, you can't hide it, it's right there front and center for people to stare at, judge and criticize. When something is wrong with your face people assume something is wrong with you.

   People in general tend to not think before they talk but when it comes to commenting on your face either, people tend to be more blunt. I have walked into work and people say things such as "Ohhh what happened to your face?" "Are you feeling okay? Because you are not looking okay" "Wow! You got some sun over the weekend" (I never left my house -_-)

   Today was hard day, I had to explain to a friend why I didn't go to her gallery show last night making me a lame friend. I didn't go to clinicals today because I didn't want to be seen out like this, and when my mom came home I was in tears. When she asked what was wrong I just looked at her and said "really!?" She knew. He response was "You know it probably doesn't look as bad to other people as it does to you, most people probably won't even notice. I think your making a bigger deal out of it than it really is." I asked her how would she feel if she woke up tomorrow and looked in the mirror and saw her face like this. She just got up and left. Yep, that's what I thought. It's so easy for other people to dismiss it, or be like "it's no big deal" and that is only because it's not their face. Let their face suddenly become flaming red and burn like the dickens or break out in dozens of painful pustules and let's see how long it's no big deal.

    I also don't think people understand the PHYSICAL pain and discomfort someone with rosacea deals with, I think they just think it's a red or pimpley face and that's it. They don't understand that your face feels like its on fire, the don't understand the throbbing feeling, that it feels swollen or tight and that even just splashing it with water to try to rinse it can hurt because it is so sensitive to outside stimulus. There is nothing worse than your facing feeling hot like it's on fire but you can't sit in front of a fan to cool it off because the breeze of the fan hurts your delicate skin. Rosacea is so much more than meets the eye. *Sigh*

   Well, I will end this on a funny lesson that may or may not come from personal experience. So if you happen to be walking through lets say a Whole Foods and a sales associate comes up to you and asks you if you need help the proper response might not be "Sure! See I found out that the reason my face is looking like this is I have face mites and I hear tea tree oil kills them so I am looking for everything tea tree oil!" See if you have the need to explain your condition DON'T. They might just look at you with horror, then disgust and take a few steps away from you. Or so I have heard....from a friend....who also has face mites. 

Crap

So I woke up this morning and first thought was, well my face FEELS good....then I looked in the mirror. Crap. My face might FEEL good but it looks like SHIT. I don't know if it is because I used a wash cloth to wash it last night (that's my thought since it burned) or if it is just more mites dying off. Supposedly each p&p is a dead mite which means they are dying off and I should be happy, but having your face look like this makes it really hard to be happy.  Oh and I found a way to take pictures that shows my skin more accurately.
Day 6

I think I made a mistake.

   So tonight my face (mostly chin) was extra scabby feeling and crusty feeling so I decided to use a wash cloth to kind of exfoliate it...big mistake. My face started stinging right away and I knew I shouldn't have done that. I usually don't use a wash cloth on my face, I just use my fingers lightly. WHY DID I CHOSE TO DO THIS!! Anyways I got of the shower and my face was RED and you could see where every little p&p is at and I must have about 40 of them. There was a spot that I though was a pimple but apon closer inspection it is just a cluster of p&p.

   So tonight I am putting on the wash and let it soak for about 30 minutes and then I will slather on the argan & tto before bed. During the beginning of the day my face feels good, no burning or flushing and the p&ps don't have pressure but by the end of the day I get more flushing, and the p&ps feel like a zit that needs to be popped (gross sorry). So I think when I wake up I am going to slather on more argan/tto mix or do a coconut/tto mix to see if it helps during the day. I wish I could figure out how to take pictures that shows how bad it is IRL.
 

I am a woman who has become obsessed.

     So right now I am not working, I just got back from a month long trip to California and I haven't picked up any clients since I have been back. This has resulted in two things, me being broke and stressed, and me being obsessed with my face and how horrible it looks. I was just looking at pictures of me from two weeks ago with no makeup swimming and my skin was beautiful. Not perfect but as close to perfect as it gets for me. Depressing.

   So since I am currently not working and I refuse to leave my house unless it is related to school I have had a lot of spare time on my hands. What have I been doing with that spare time you ask? Obsessing over my face and how to cure it. For some reason in my head if I fix my face I will all of a sudden have a better life. I will have tons of friends and I will do things and I will go places and everything will be great. I know this is not true. All that will happen is I will sit at home and have a normal face. So now I just spend HOURS researching and looking for cures or fixes for rosacea that do not include me going to the doctor since I don't have insurance. I am pretty sure by the end of the week I will be an expert on all things rosacea, demodex mites and sub derm. I don't know why I am researching sub derm since I don't have it, but you never know, my skin is fickle like that.

   My face has had a few flashes on and off today, none lasting more than 30 minutes or so but man those 30 minutes seem to last FOREVER. Another thing I was thinking about is I ran out of oracea when I was still in California and my face remained fine, but the day after I returned back to New Orleans BAM! it was bad. I am wondering if it was coincidence and the oracea took a while to work it's way out of my system or if there is something in my house that is setting my face off or if it is the weather and humidity down here. Hmmm. Going to have to ponder that a while....or research it.

   One last thing, I ordered some nu-stock sulfur cream today, it should be in next week. I am not sure when I will try it or how often, I will have to go research that too.

I should have kept my mouth shut

I should have never said anything about my face not burning because all of a sudden its on FIRE. I haven't ate, drank anything or done anything. I don't know what has set it off but it BURNS. I might go dunk my head in cold water.